Jumpstarting Your Stalled Marriage

Marriage experts identify certain transition points in the life of even the healthiest marriage — transitions that, if ignored, can leave couples out-of-sync and emotionally disconnected from one another.

by Karen O'Connor

A 50-something couple sits at a table for two in a nice restaurant. Even the most casual observer can tell they aren't communicating with one another. Oh, she may ask him to pass the salt. Or, without looking up, he'll inquire, "How's your steak?" But there's no real conversation going on, no eye contact and no sign of the spark that once animated their marriage.

Watching this couple is sad. Becoming this couple is tragic. How did their relationship devolve to a point of coexistence rather than co-partnering? Is their monosyllabic interaction a sign they no longer love each other?

More likely, they've simply neglected the regular "checkups" necessary to keep their marriage running optimally in "all weather" conditions.

Marriage experts identify certain transition points in the life of even the healthiest marriage — transitions that, if ignored, can leave couples out-of-sync and emotionally disconnected from one another.

Typical transition points are the birth of a child, when children leave home and after during the retirement of one or both partners. If those life transitions aren't consciously noted and addressed (Who are we now that we're no longer devoted to parenting and our careers?), it can result in couples who gradually drift apart and take up separate lives, barely noticing that they've become total strangers.

"We have concluded that first-half strategies practiced in the second half of life are a sure formula for failure," says Terry Taylor, who, with his wife Carol, founded Second Half Ministries in 1998. The Taylors encourage couples to take a deliberate approach to finishing well in all aspects of life, but especially in their marriages.

So, where do you begin? A review of expert advice and conversations with some who have been happily, productively married for 30 years or more reveals practical steps you can take to make sure you and your spouse don't wind up silently idling your engines. So check under the hood — it may be time to:

Review your past objectively. Forgive yourself and your spouse for past mistakes — then resolve to learn from them. One couple said an ancient disagreement they'd had years before over how to raise their son reared its ugly head again when the wife observed her husband repeating the same behavior with their grandson. "It was a negative sort of déjà vu," said the wife. By talking things out, these grandparents freed themselves, and their marriage, from the invisible wedge of unresolved conflicts.

Take a personal inventory. Midlife couples should take the time to assess each others' evolving interests, strengths and differences. What are your personal values, skills and spiritual gifts, and how do they complement your spouse's? How can you support your spouse in his or her personal development?

Find new activities you both enjoy. For instance, those who never enjoyed camping before may find it's a great way to get away for some quality time together. "Never say never," said a couple married for 34 years who acquired a canoe, an RV and a shiatsu massager after the last of their kids moved out. Take language courses or volunteer at a museum — just do it together.

Look outward. Pray about what calling God may have for you, both individually and as a couple. Ask how you can support each other in your callings. Are there causes you both passionately support? Explore ways to get more involved in a hands-on way, and "work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man" (Colossians 3:23).

Fight fair. It's too idealistic to believe that even the most well-planned, intentional, purposefully lived midlife marriage can proceed without conflict. Be prompt, open and direct in communicating your feelings. Make it your goal to heal the differences that come between you, not punish the other person or inflict guilt trips. Get to the root of the issue! "I let my newly retired husband micromanage the kitchen for awhile until I couldn't take it anymore," said one frustrated wife. "He was an engineer and actually put everything in the pantry in alphabetical order. Finally I just asked him to stop — and he did!"

Have fun. As the experts and other happily married "second-halfers" will tell you — lighten up! Life is difficult and full of times when you have to be serious and somber. Enjoy leisure activities together. Go to funny movies, save up jokes to tell one another, get silly with the grandkids — whatever it takes to put smiles on your faces!

Dare to dream. If you've been blessed with good health, a reasonable amount of financial stability and a sense of adventure, maybe this is the time of life to travel to places you never thought you'd see — or to start the ministry you've both always dreamed of launching. Discover your passions and follow them. For all you know, your whole life could have been lived "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14).

All in all, the key to not winding up like the mechanical couple in the restaurant is to realize that your life together is God's gift to you. Like all His gifts, it's meant to be nurtured and cherished each and every day.

Remember when you were dating and you could be together all evening, then talk on the phone until the wee hours of the morning because there was so much more to say? With a little effort, a similar sort of excitement can be a part of your revitalized marriage. May you close down every restaurant you visit.


Copyright © 2006, Karen O'Connor. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

Dating 101: Six Things Men Should Have Before You Marry Them

Michelle Knudson, Yahoo! Contributor Network

 You can tell very much about a man by his actions and responses to certain things. Here are six things men should have before you get married.

Motivation To Be Successful in Life

You do not want to be a man that is not motivated to be the best that he can be. You want to know that a man will be a good provider for the whole family now and forever. You need to realize that it is a ton of work for a man to work and go to school while married. You need to emotionally support a man in ways that motivates him to be even further successful in life. It is you and him together as a team so make it work. Successful business owners have enough motivation that is needed in a romance relationship to take care of you too. Successful people are not lazy.

A Home

You want a man that is stable. You want a man that has a home. You don't want to be with a man that has a roommate all the time due to finance troubles. You don't want a man that moves around too much more than one normally does unless he is in the military or something of that sort. You want to be with a man that can provide you with a stable home to live in without needing to move around unless you have certain circumstances in life. For Example, Musicians are often on the road several times through the year

Safe Reliable Vehicle

You need to be with a man that knows that it is important to have a safe and reliable vehicle. You want a man that wants you to have the best car possible that is safe for you and future children. It is important that a man does not control you with tactics such as not allowing you to have a vehicle.

High Paying Job

You need to make sure that he is able to provide for the family. He needs to have a pretty secure job that pays a decent salary. Salary is very important since it dictates the kind of life that you will have with him. You don't want to stay in the poor house forever.

Non Abusive Behaviors

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Signs that Say He's Just Not into You; Recognize How to Spot Mr. Wrong so You Can Make Room for Mr. Right

Every woman has had her eye on or dated the type of guy I'm talking about here. You are never really sure where you stand with him or what his interest level really is. Call him Mr. Flake, Mr. Player, Mr. Self
Absorbed or Mr. Afraid of Commitment. Whatever his romantic style, it's just leaving you confused, frustrated and wondering what's really going on in his mind. So, let's spotlight the warning signs to look out for when a guy simply is not that into you or playing you.

The Physical Signs

He'll avoid eye contact, his body is positioned away from you, his arms are folded tightly over his chest, he does not encourage conversation or volunteers anything about himself. He maintains his distance.

The Emotional Signs

You've been dating for at least 6 months. He still can't say he loves you or wants to talk about his feelings in regards to you. If you have a guy who is constantly telling you that he does not love you, is not in love with you, is not sure how he feels and does not see a future with you after the 6 month mark, believe him. I feel that is a good marker of time for him to know where he sees this going and if he is developing strong feelings for you or loves you. When a guy is into you, he'll want to let you know how he feels when he is sure that you feel the same way. If he can't do that, start re-assessing what you are still doing with him.

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Tips For How To Love Yourself

Learning to love yourself isn't easy -- especially if you're a survivor of childhood abuse or neglect. But there
are things you can do to boost your self-love.

Ask for a list of things people like about you.

Sometimes it can be hard to find things we like or love about ourselves. So -- ask other people to tell you all
the things they like about you. Ask a friend, a lover, a therapist. This isn't a replacement for your own love;
it's a first step in learning to love yourself. You may need to hear the things other people like about you
before you can value them in yourself.
If hearing what people like about you is hard, ask your friends to write it down for you, or leave it on your
voice mail, so you can read/listen to it over and over. Go back to it as many times as you can. Even if you
don't believe that someone can like a particular thing about you, or you don't believe it exists, trust that your
friend does see it and value it.
When you start to hear critical voices inside your head, go back to those things your friend said/wrote about you, and remember that you are loved.

Make a list of the things you like about yourself.

Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Be as honest as you can. Modesty doesn't help you
here; neither do old critical messages. If you're having trouble finding things you value about yourself, think
about the things you value and love in your friends, then see if those things exist inside you, too. Most
often, they do.
Fill a special notebook with your list, or create a set of cards. Make the notebook as beautiful as you can --
make it something that makes you feel good when you look at it. Then open it up and look at it any time
you're feeling down or critical about...

Valentine's Day - History behing the holiday

February 14 is Valentine's Day. Although it is celebrated as a lovers' holiday today, with the giving of candy, Valentine flowers, or other gifts between couples in love, it originated in 5th Century Rome as a tribute to St. Valentine, a Catholic bishop.


For eight hundred years prior to the establishment of Valentine's Day, the Romans had practiced a pagan celebration in mid-February commemorating young men's rite of passage to the god Lupercus. The celebration featured a lottery in which young men would draw the names of teenage girls from a box. The girl assigned to each young man in that manner would be his sexual companion during the remaining year.

In an effort to do away with the pagan festival, Pope Gelasius ordered a slight change in the lottery. Instead of the names of young women, the box would contain the names of saints. Both men and women were allowed to draw from the box, and the game was to emulate the ways of the saint they drew during the rest of the year. Needless to say, many of the young Roman men were not too pleased with the rule changes.

Instead of the pagan god Lupercus, the Church looked for a suitable patron saint of love to take his place. They found an appropriate choice in Valentine, who, in AD 270 had been beheaded by Emperor Claudius.

Claudius had determined that married men made poor soldiers. So he banned marriage from his empire. But Valentine would secretly marry young men that came to him. When Claudius found out about Valentine, he first tried to convert him to paganism. But Valentine reversed the strategy, trying instead to convert Claudius. When he failed, he was stoned and beheaded.

During the days that Valentine was imprisoned, he fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer. According to folklore, his love for her, and his great faith, managed to miraculously heal her from her blindness before his death. Before he was taken to his death, he signed a farewell message to her, "From your Valentine." The phrase has been used on his day ever since.

Although the lottery for women had been banned by the church, the mid-February holiday in commemoration of St. Valentine was still used by Roman men to seek the affection of women. It became a tradition for the men to give the ones they admired handwritten messages of affection, containing Valentine's name.

The first Valentine card grew out of this practice. The first true Valentine card was sent in 1415 by Charles, duke of Orleans, to his wife. He was imprisoned in the Tower of London at the time.

Cupid, another symbol of the holiday, became associated with it because he was the son of Venus, the Roman god of love and beauty. Cupid often appears on Valentine cards.